is productivity=happiness?
This whole blog is going to be an extremely random, disconnected trail of thoughts. So sorry about that! Of late I am genuinely struggling with productivity. Wikipedia says “Productivity is the efficiency of production of goods or services expressed by some measure”. It depends from person to person and for me productivity means I’ve coded something or learned a new computer science concept. This month is wild. I have a hurdle to cross which keeps me extremely anxious all the time. Because of this I am not able to focus on coding this month. But why am I feeling shitty about it? I am fine with not coding but I am not fine with feeling extremely bad about not being productive. This is why I want to deep dive into my head and see what I actually want: is productivity the happiness I am chasing?
An ideal productive day for me is to contribute with my code in my day job or code a new concept that I learn. It is not possible that you get to build/code something or the other every day. So the only option I have is to put in extra hours after long hours of work just to keep myself happy. This is so bothersome to such an extent that I now feel immense pressure to do something or other every day only then can I go to sleep peacefully. Else I start guilt-tripping myself and start spiraling. If I skip a day or two it keeps compounding to such an extent that I start panicking. I watched a movie today, played badminton for 2 hrs but none of it matters to me. I’ve always been too worried to retrospect but today I just wanna give it a shot because I clearly understand this is such a bad metric for happiness and a bad way to see life in general.
the ideal day in my head which never ever happens is
wake up
no mobile phones
drink a ton of water
play a sport
eat clean
code for money
hit the gym
code for myself
read a book
go to sleep
This ideal day in a life which I want to live is super rigid and 9⁄10 times it’s not possible to follow. Despite there being 10 items in my ideal day, the maximum weightage is for only 2 of the 10 (code for money, code for myself). I am okay if everything else messes up. The problem starts here. If I can get through just the other 8, I am still extremely disappointed because my whole focus is on the other 2. There is a lot more to life and I somehow need to find a balance because I genuinely want to appreciate things outside this rigid system. I am not able to lock in because if you have a fixed finite phase of time you can lock in, but for me I want to build a sustainable lifestyle. it feels more like one leg into this psudo productivity world and other leg to not waste my youth and enjoy like others (I truly have no idea what to do or the money to do any of it)
This doesn’t mean I hate what I do. I don’t believe in the phrase “if you like something you will do it without looking at the time.” Also the same people would ask everyone to do hard things. Hard in general means something difficult or something that pulls you out of your comfort zone right? so you can’t be uncomfortable and lose track of time at the same time. Hard work threshold depends on the individual but it means being uncomfortable and putting in arduous effort, correct? Then how can I not feel shitty and still try putting in hours. is feeling this shitty also a byproduct of hardwork? I don’t know the answer to this question. Not gonna lie, at times I fear that what if things don’t work out then I am wasting my youth toiling around for something meaningless all alone. Luckily I am in the goal of knowledge-maxing. until and unless I have a healthy functioning brain, everything is a win for me.
Another question I have is what reasons do others have that force them to keep themselves productive every day? My reason is simple. I am not chasing any job or money, I want to be the best engineer. The best engineer isnt a metric, so since my end goal is vague in some sense I am not able to follow a fixed trail. Every day before going to sleep I want to make sure I am slightly better than yesterday. I am 100% okay with this but I am not 100% okay with only being slightly better than yesterday “as an engineer” being a better human than yesterday, happier than yesterday should also be part of my metric.
What I can conclude is I need a fixed routine boilerplate, try to hit that most of the days, and on days I completely let loose I should not worry much about it. Because any progress is still a progress.